Of this, I doubt. So, you see, “what had happen was…” I forgot my username and password. Yep, totally. Had no clue. So…finally figured it out tonight.

So…let’s catch you up. I have the cutest little 4 year old ever! Yes, 4!!! Can you believe it?? He is Mr. Independent. Doesn’t need his mommy to help him do anything…that is unless he’s tired and super whiny. Then, he needs me to do any and everything!!

Since last year, July of 2009, to be specific, my life has been very hard. The last of day of July I got sick. Really sick!! I was admitted into the hospital for 5 days with salmonella poisoning…brought on by my own cooking, no less. I was  one very sick little lady. After getting out of the hospital I went to work and spent the next three months being sick all the time–no matter what I ate. The doctors kept saying my stomach didn’t know how to behave normally so they would have to retrain it. That didn’t help. In November 2009, I started having lower abdominal pain. My OB thought maybe it was scar tissue around my ovaries, so in January of 2010 they did laparoscopic diagnostic surgery. He found scar tissue wrapped around my intestines and filling the right side of my abdomen as well as endometriosis. He cleaned it all out, check all my “lady parts” and said I should be fine. All this time Michael and I had been trying to get pregnant. We  waited the appropriate time and in April 2010, we found out we were expecting. We were so excited. The pain in my lower abdominal had slightly gone away since the surgery but was still there. But, hey, what did I care? I was FINALLY pregnant. I had all the symptoms that I had with JD–tired, cranky, tired, puking. At 6 weeks I was able to see the heartbeat. It was there. It was strong. It was the most beautiful sight ever!! My baby. Finally, I was having another baby…….

School let out for the summer. I went to Hilton Head on vacation with Michael’s family. It was great. I wasn’t nauseous anymore. I wasn’t tired anymore. I felt great….maybe a little too great. (Man, this is SO hard to write that I’m having trouble writing.) When we got back home I realized that I wasn’t feeling pregnant at all. Everyone told me that I had just passed the 12 week mark so most women stop feeling sick by then. “You’re fine!!!” I knew I wasn’t fine. Feeling normal isn’t fine for my family when we are pregnant. Friday, June 11th, I started spotting. By Sunday, it wasn’t just spotting. I knew. I knew. In my heart I knew something wasn’t right. I told Momma that day that something was wrong. Michael told me to call the doctor. So, Monday morning, I called. I talked with the doctor. Told him everything. “Let’s get an ultrasound,” he said. “Really, Dr? Do you have to? Can’t you just try to find the heartbeat on the monitor?” “No, I need to see what’s going on.” Michael wasn’t there with me. He had just gotten off work. So, I walked into the ultrasound room. Oh, ladies, it was like walking into a tomb. That feeling a dread…of knowing what I was about to see and just not wanting to. The ultrasound tech at Advance Women’s Care is amazing. She didn’t want to have to tell me but I could see. I knew there was no heartbeat. I knew that the baby really hadn’t grown since I saw it last. I knew. I didn’t want to know, but I knew. Oh…I lost part of my soul that day. Part of my strength is gone. Notice, I say that in present tense. It’s still gone. It’s been 5 months and I still really don’t know when that strength will come back. I’ve cried so much since then. Michael came to me immediatly that day when I called him. Telling my husband that his baby was gone–oh, not something I can put into words. That next day, when I had the DnC, was the worst of my life. Even though I KNEW in my mind that my baby was with God, I didn’t want to go through with it. Going in to that hospital was just confirming that I no longer had my baby and I didn’t want that confirmation.

I learned a lot that day. But, with everything I learned, I remember one lesson I never understood: In the midst of the storm, please don’t analyze the WHY. Just hold me, tell me it’s horrible and let me cry. After a week or so, maybe longer, I could start seeing and understanding the why. But, at that moment, during that day and the few that followed…I just wanted to be sad. Now, those of you reading this know that I’m not a typically sad person. I do the see the good in things and people. But, at that moment, when I hurt the most, I just wanted people that understood that I hurt and to hold me up. And, my friends, THANK YOU!!! You did just that. Those of you who called and said, “Gina, I don’t know what to say.” You said the right thing. I didn’t know what to say either. How do you discuss something like that? I still don’t know what to say. Those of you who fed me and my family, thank you. Those of you who took care of my JD, I am SO grateful!! He was the one I was saddest for. He would have been such a great big brother. He was so excited. And, ya’ll, let me tell you about my sweet boy, when I finally was able to face him, he looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Mommy, I’m sorry you lost your baby. God’s going to take care of him.” Oh, out of the mouths of babes!! He asked so many questions and he understood. One day, a few weeks later, he climbed up in my lap and asked me, “Mommy, is God going to change the baby’s diaper?” “Yes, JD.” “Is He going to give the baby a bottle?” “Yes, JD.” “Ok!!” And that was it. I wish that I could just be that ok with the whole thing. JD KNOWS, without a doubt, that God’s got that baby. I know that, too, but sometimes, and I’m just being honest with you, I want that baby. I’ve had all the questions run through my head. I know the “right answers” to them all–the ones you always tell people who are trying to cope with a loss. But, sometimes, those don’t help. Sometimes, I just want to be sad. Those times used to come a lot–daily, hourly. Now, not as much. I’m healing….I don’t know how long that is going to take. It’s been 5 months. I was due on Christmas/New Year’s so if I look a little sad then, please understand. But, I’m healing. I see the good in things. I see the Source of Hope. I’m clinging to Him. I can’t do this by myself. I’m beyond thankful to God for giving me such an amazing support system. Michael, Momma, Crystal, JD, Daddy, Tim, Allison, Jerry, my in-laws, Amanda, Cyndi, Glick, Tori, (don’t laugh because it’s true) Facebook friends!!, church group…the list is neverending!! Everyone of these people have played a part in my recovery from this. From visits, to phone calls, emails and Facebook post, they have all played a part in making me feel human again. And to each and every one of you, from the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU!!

JD is doing so well with potty training. We do better with peepee than #2, but I have heard from lots of people that it is normal for them to get one and not the other right away. Sometimes he will tell us he has to go and sometimes he will just go right where he stands.
I was worried this week with him at Mrs. Jerri’s house. Sometimes they do well at home and not at daycare or visa versa, but he did well. Monday he had an accident while napping, but Tuesday and Wednesday he did wonderfully. Then I totally forgot his bag on Thursday and, yep, you guessed it, 2 accidents! UGH! Thankfully Michael brought it to her very early that morning so he wasn’t running around with nothing on his bottom!

I have found a downside to potty training that Crys warned me about but I didn’t think it was going to be as bad as it is: the SMELL OF THE BATHROOM!!! OMG!!! JD has not figured out that he can control the path of his stream yet and has just watched it arch off the toliet! So, I walked in there tonight to give him a bath after we had been gone all day and all I could smell was urine!! OH GROSS!! Those of you who know me well know that I cannot stand bodily fluids!! I will never understand why guys–of ALL ages, might I add–can’t seem to make it IN THE POTTY!!! I have cleaned many public bathrooms in my day and the men’s room is always the worst!! So, tonight, after JD went to bed I went on a cleaning spree!! I took the Clorox Cleaning Bleach spray and drowned the toliet and floor with bleach. Then I actually took a scrub brush and scrub the toliet and floor around the toliet! I bleached his little seat, the toliet bowl brush and everything within a few feet of the toliet!! Then I washed the tub and all the toys (just because they needed it, not because of pee) in bleach as well. Finally I mopped the floor. Then, once it has dried, I am going to spray it with Hard Surface Bleach Spray. So, my son’s bathroom doesn’t smell like pee now…and won’t until he wakes up tomorrow morning and misses or sprays again!! But, even with all the stinky smell, I will take it over changing diapers!!!

I thought I would add some pics of his boxer briefs! How cute that they make little boys undies to look like men’s!!! LOVE IT!!

I never thought I would say those words as much as I have said them in the last two days. Monday we started potty training. It is past time, I think, but JD doesn’t care what I think. Personally, I have always believed that if a child can tell you that he has gone poopie and needs you to change him that he should be going in the potty. Well, as all mothers know, what you thought before children will be shoved back down your throat by your own child. So, around a year and half we decided to start putting JD on the potty hoping it would encourage him to go. Well, he says no, then no again, and then no once more. So…it’s Spring Break!! And while all my friends and students are enjoying a week of “Fun in the Sun” I am sitting in the bathroom looking at pee pee and poo poo. What fun!! But, I had no plans this week, so it is the perfect time to potty train. But……..

OH LORD GRANT ME PATIENCE!!! JD is a ham. If he has someone’s attention he is going to do everything he knows how to keep you entertained. Crystal was helping me yesterday (God bless her!) and she realized that you had to leave JD in the bathroom by himself or he won’t concentrate. JD has issues concentrating on the task at hand (he is 2, you know). At this very moment JD has been in the bathroom for 10 minutes. I know he has to poopie because he has been tooting for the last hour. But, instead of going he is in there singing to himself. He doesn’t need an audience. Maybe he is enjoying the acoustics of the bathroom–don’t we all sing in the shower?

So, any advice would be greatly appreciated and needed!! Until he figures this out I will need lots of prayer for patience and extra money for the extra laundry (I guess I am saving money with no diapers, so that evens itself out). Keep praying for JD, Michael and myself and send any words of advice my way!

Until the next time…I want to see some poopie!!!!

I read a blog that I just had to share with everyone. This blog is one of my former students who is now a junior at WF. I read her blogs and I just wish I knew as much as she does when I was her age. She is so in love with God and is truly living as His daughter. To imagine this much Godly knowledge at the age of 17 is amazing. I cannot wait to see what God has in store for her life. She is amazing!! Oh, and for those of you with kids, she is a great babysitter!! So, to Lauren, here’s some blog love! Seersucker and Sundresses

These are the sad words I keep hearing from JD…even in his sleep. Its 6:30 Tuesday morning. For the first time all night the hospital is quiet. All night babies cried and machines beeped while JD whined in his sleep that he wanted to go home and sleep in his own bed. It is pitiful. He is feeling so much better. He ate yesterday, wanted to get up and play and joked around with my family. He isn’t drinking as much as I wanted him to, so we had Sheriff–you know, from the movie Cars–call and tell him to drink his juice or he’d be “in a heap of trouble, boy.” (Thanks, Papa, for doing whatever you can for your grandson and doing a great impression!) It didn’t work, but we tried.

Sunday was the worst day here. Fever spiked to 104.8 after they had given him Tylenol and Motrin. He was so sick. All day he would tell me to hold him. He would put his arm around my neck and have me lay with him and just squeeze him so tight. Every time the nurses or doctors walk in he will start saying, “I want my mommy. Hold me, mommy! HOLD ME!” Once the fever finally went back around 101, he started feeling a little better.

Yesterday, Monday, he felt fine once he woke up. I knew it was going to be a good day when very early in the morning he was quoting Cars to himself. It was sweet. Not only will he quote it but he will give his opinion on the characters and what he thinks they should do next…oh, did I tell you that he WASN’T watching the movie when he was quoting and commenting? He was just randomly yelling out, “How would I look in Dinaco Blue? DINACO BLUE” (Chick Hicks) It was sweet. Yesterday consisted of him watching movies, an Easter Egg Hunt, coloring and me trying to get him to drink. Overall it was a good day. He kept trying to get off the bed and go home. He said that Cali, Michael’s cat, misses him and he needs to see her. I think he is trying to think of any reason to leave the room. Me, too!

So, I sit, awake since 5, waiting for Dr. Ed to show up. I hope he sends us home today. I don’t know much more that I can do to keep JD entertained. Thank you so much to all my friends and family for bringing him stuff he can play with and color. It really has helped waste time. I am grateful to you all. Special thanks to Pastor Crooks and Mrs. Thersea for coming by yesterday. When Pastor Crooks was here JD had just been woken up from his nap to do vitals and was not too happy about it. JD pulled his blankie over his head and hid the entire time. He was awake because he kept looking at the pastor from beneath the blanket but wouldn’t acknowledge him or speak. Sorry, Pastor. When Thersea came I had just started Cars so, of course, JD wasn’t paying a lick of attention to anything else going on around him. She brought him a super cute stuffed dog and balloon that he didn’t even look at while she was here. Though he did claim it as his whenever anyone tried to look at it after his movie was over. Thank you both for visiting yesterday. It calms my soul.

Thank you to everyone who is praying for JD. I can feel the prayers. I keep having moments where I think I am going to lose it and just cry and the Lord just lays His healing hand on my soul and I calm down. I can feel every prayer. Thank you!!!

I do ask that you pray for my family and myself in the next few days that we don’t get sick. Crystal is already feeling the pains, my stomach is not right and Michael wasn’t feeling up to par yesterday either. We girls leave for New York Friday…everything is paid for and nonrefundable. We can’t get sick!!!!!!!!

Ok…Dr. Ed just left, 6:57am (ok, doctors start WAY too early!!) and said that he wants to see how JD wakes up and will check back at lunch. Oddly enough, JD slept through us talking, so Ed wasn’t able to see or hear the title of this blog. Oh, please let us go home!!!!!!!

You would know on the most beautiful day of the year JD is too sick to move! He started throwing up at 12:30am and hasn’t stopped yet (it’s 2:30 pm as I write this). I can’t keep anything down in him. Now he has a fever and just threw up the medicine as soon as I gave it to him. My poor baby. I hate when he gets sick! It is so sad!!

So, now it is 5:30am…as I was writing the top of this post Dr. Ed called me back and said we needed to admit JD into the hospital. Ed met us up here and said that he was glad I called because this is a nasty virus. He said it last anywhere from 3-5 days and gets worse before it gets better. JD’s fever has gone up and down and as of a few minutes ago, it was 102.8. The nurse, God bless them, said it was a good thing because fever means his body is trying to fight off the infection. So, I will try not to panic as his fever creeps higher and higher. He is so lethargic it’s pitiful!! For as upbeat as JD alway is, today (or would that be yesterday?) has been sad!! He doesn’t like the IV or when the nurse checks his stats. He cries and screams and tells her to go away! He has kept down the little bit of popcicles that he has eaten and the water from the last few hours. He last threw up at 7 last night, so lets hope he keeps down everything today. I have no idea when we are going home. Ed said this was a “one-day-at-a-time thing and we would just have to see how it goes.” So, keep praying for my baby. God is listening, I know.

Thanks to everyone who has called and Facebooked (yeah, I just made that a verb). Sadly, no one is on Facebook at 5am so I am here with no one to talk to!! I will try to update as the day progresses. I have the computer here with me in the hospital, so when I get a moment I will. Thanks everyone!!

Habitat for Humanity is a wonderful organization. We are building a home for a former West Florence grad and I think it is wonderful! Friday I bet my students they couldn’t raise $200! Well, they did. So, tonight I got my hair done. Yes, I did. So, I am posting pictures for your eyes. Might want to put on sunglasses!

Ok, so I think I am getting my hair done tomorrow. Yes, blue corn-rows….OH MY GOODNESS!!!

Oh, and did I tell you that I have theater tickets for Wednesday night? Yes, that means that I will be going to the theater with blue hair. Yep, that may be the first time that has happened at the new theater!! But, like I said, it is for a good cause. My students raised almost $200 in less than a few hours. I am excited. Florence will be building a new house and the blue hair will just be a drop in the hat. Totally worth it!!

Our school is raising money for Habitat for Humanity. We need to raise almost $6000!! I came up with an idea of making paper bricks and selling them for a $1. The junior and senior class have raised a lot of money and the freshmen class, well, not so much. So 2 other teachers and I have posted a challenge. If we could raise more money then the juniors and seniors then we will have blue hair next week. Yes, blue hair. I told them I will get blue corn-rows next week. Well, I thought that wouldn’t be met…I was SO wrong! They bought almost $200 is less then an hour!!!!! So, I have to find someone to braid my hair next week. OMG! What have I gotten myself into!?!?!? I will post a picture!

I have to tell you about this weekend. My son is so romantic. I love it!!!

1. Crystal and Tim got home Thursday and we were able to see them Friday after school. Now, let me start off by saying that JD did NOT like his Kiki and Tim to be gone so long. He kept asking when he was going to see them and if they were still on the boat. So, when we got to Kiki’s house Friday he was all too excited about seeing Kiki and Tim. The whole evening he kept walking up to Crystal and kissing her hand. It was too sweet. He really loves his Kiki!!

2. When we got home Friday night, Michael had left me flowers in the kitchen for Valentine’s Day (isn’t that too sweet!!). When JD saw him he said: “Mommy, those flowers for you?” “Yes, JD.” “A present from Daddy?” “Yes.” Then he grabbed my leg, squeezed has hard as he could and said, “I love you, Mommy!” Oh, just break my heart into pieces!! I love my two men!! Isn’t that the BEST Valentine’s EVER!!!?!?

3. Saturday I told JD that we were going to see Tyner. Oh, he was too excited! He looked at me and said, “I buy Tyner flowers and give her hug?” Oh, he just steals my heart! So, yes, I bought Tyner some flowers and balloons and had JD walk them into her house. She was amazed! Then he hugged her! Oh, that was just too cute! He was so happy with himself.

Isn’t he just too romantic! I love it! I hope that it keeps up throughout the years! Wouldn’t he just be a heartbreaker!!?!